How to Lose Weight on Vacation

(written originally in November 2017)

I traveled to Boston a few years ago to a marketing conference.

You will be relieved to hear that this is not an article about marketing. For one thing, it’s a well-known and scientifically verified fact that most marketers are a bunch of poopyheads. The one exception to this fact is my boss, whom I recognize as a pioneer in the field. This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she might throw me out on my featureless keester into the street if I called her a poopyhead.

Back in the dirty thirties when the now-famous Father of All Marketing, Al Capone, quipped, “You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone,” an entire movement of pin-striped bullies was born overnight. These pistol-powered hooligans revolutionized how we do business today by convincing us that we want something that we really don’t, then proceeding to sell it to us at prices we can’t afford. Therefore, I want to completely assure you up front that nothing you will read from this point forward will have anything to do with the brutish practices of these corporate commandos.

As I said, I traveled to the polite and cheerful city of Boston, where the locals are quite fond of talking to each other via the use of their car horns. They treat each other with the greatest respect, offering salutes to each other using their tallest and most noble of fingers. During my stay there, I was blessed to sample much of the local cuisine and although I am on a diet, I followed the advice of Solomon, who wrote, “Eat, drink, and be merry.”

“How can you claim to be on a diet while buffeting on Boston beef and buttered bass?” you might alliteratively ask.

Well, what I’m about to reveal to you is a closely guarded and time-honoured secret that would enrage the friendly folks of Beantown, who would probably send a lynch mob after me, if they could ever figure out how to make it out of the downtown core.

The shocking truth is that Boston food has no calories. I know that seems hard to digest, but how else can you explain my losing a pound after packing down pepperoni pizza and pulled pork poppers all week? (Alliteration is awesome because writers and editors get amazingly annoyed when you abuse it.)

The reality is that the tastier the food is, the skinnier you’ll get from eating it.

Therefore, I thought it might be prudent to give you a few tips for how to lose weight while on vacation. This list is far from exhaustive, and you are not expected to use all these strategies before seeing results.

1. Bacon should be consumed by the pound – How many times have you wrestled with whether or not to get the bacon at breakfast somewhere, and when you finally break down and choose to indulge yourself, the server brings you two emaciated, paper-thin ribbons of something vaguely resembling pork? Next time, go to a breakfast bar and dump the entire bin of bacon onto your plate. Your body will thank you in seven languages.

Calorie Count on Vacation: 0

2. Eating cheesecake is the dietary equivalent of saving someone’s life – We all want to be the hero. So, next time, when that starving restaurant server comes to the table with the puppy-dog eyes and asks ever-so-meekly, “Would you care for a piece of cheesecake?” just dig down deep and order two slices in the name of charity. You might be saving their life.

Calorie Count on Vacation: 0

3. Buttered popcorn has been proven to raise your IQ score - Follow my logic here now. Where’s the best place to get buttered popcorn? The movies, of course. On a related note, what is the best way to stimulate brain cells? By improving blood flow. Okay, put it altogether now, people. As long as you attend some nerdy, intellectual film like The Lego Batman Movie or Baywatch, and then couple that with something to get your blood flowing, like the excitement that comes from eating three buckets of buttered movie popcorn (DUH!), you should be well on your way to becoming a culinary Einstein!

Calorie Count on Vacation: -250

Remember, the goal is weight loss ON vacation, so if you attempt to try any of these techniques while doing the 9-to-5, they’ll be calling you balloon boy or gargantu-girl in no time.

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